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Memoirs of a Mad Man

Some people might say the Pittsburgh Steelers sold their souls to the devil when they traded their hated rivals the Cincinnati Bengals for much malingered OLB Vontaze Burfict. Fans all across the Twitter-verse have expressed concern about this trade. After all Burfict is perhaps the most hated player in the Steel City. Maybe more so then Ratbird alum, Terrell Suggs and Ray Lewis.

Burfict himself has been quoted as saying how much he hated Pittsburgh and their fans. How he wanted to tear off every member of the teams heads every time he faced them.

So, Pittsburgh Blitz reporter Jimmy Jam James decided to have a sit down with Burfict and ask him his feelings about this trade and see if he has changed how he feels about this city, the fans and his new brother-at-arms.

Reporter:

“Vontaze you have been involved in several incidents with the Steelers as a member of the Bengals. Not just with the Steelers but with several teams around the league. You have been tabbed the dirtiest player in the XCFL. What do you have to say to that.”

Burfict:

“Let me start by saying who I am on the field is not who I am off of it. I love this game and no matter who I play for I will give it everything I got. My blood, sweat and tears. On the field I am a known as a monster. But I am really not the person ya’ll think I am.”

Reporter:

“Okay we can discuss who you really are in a minute but tell me your thoughts on being traded to a team you once said you hated and have had so much bad blood with over the years.”

Burfict:

“Honestly I am ecstatic about this trade. I could not have asked for a better situation or team to be traded to. I won’t lie man, playing for the Bengals and losing all the time makes a man do and say crazy things. But truth be known I am just happy to no longer be forced to play for the Bengals owner. Dude is a tool. I am what I am because of him.”

Reporter:

“Because of him, are you referring to Bengal owner Robert Williams?”

Burfict:

“Yeah that dude is a prick. He used to pull me aside and demand I try to hurt people. He would tell me if I didn’t he would lock me in a closet with his posse of midgets he keeps in his office as sex slaves. Those little guys are creepy man. I didn’t have a choice. I had to become a monster on the field. It was that or be molested by those tiny freaks.”

Reporter:

“You joking, right?”

Burfict:

“Hell nah. Robert is a bastard. He threatened us all, not just me. Andy Dalton and AJ Green actually enjoy their time in the closet with those freaks though. They get off on it. It is crazy. So, does Carlos Dunlap, hell he gets 5 minutes alone time with them for every sack he makes. Ya’ll think Pacman Jones retired? Nope he is just got a new position. He is now happily living under coach’s desk. What he does under there I got no clue, but we hear slurping sounds and the coach gets a huge smile on his face every time he sites at that desk.”

Reporter:

“Come on Vontaze you can’t be serious. Do you have any proof of the things you say?”

Burfict:

“Hell, yes I do. Coach and Robert have their own category on Pornhub. It’s called midget football love. Just Google it. There are some crazy scenes with them all in a hot tube and Andy, AJ and Carlos doing unspeakable actions with those tiny freaks.”

Reporter:

“Damn man. I will have to do some research after this interview but I will take you at your word for now. Moving on, what do you have to say to your new teammates and the fans who know must somehow to learn to embrace you as one of the Steeler nation?”

Burfict:

“First I want to thank the Steelers owner Jim McMillen and coach David Shaw for saving me from that horrible situation before I ended up with Stockholm syndrome like some of those other guys. To the fans, I promise to be the monster you unleash on your enemies and help this team win a lot of games. To my new brothers. I am hear to play and to win. I won’t let ya’ll down. That is a promise.”

Reporter:

“Well I am not quite sure what to say after that interview but I think the front office of the XCFL may want to look into the issues in Cincinnati and make sure all those little people are of legal age and have their green cards and none of them are being held against their will. Other then that, I wish you the best Vontaze and welcome to the City of Champions.”

Comments (3)

  1. Jesus Christ.

  2. James Forshay
    James Forshay

    LOVE IT!

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